Stahled on the Side of the Freeway

Pain

2008-12-22T15:16:00.000-08:00

We received the news yesterday that my cousins step daughter was killed, just 4 days before christmas. I feel so helpless and so far away. I feel guilty celebrating Christmas with my children when members of my family are in agony knowing their Christmas will be empty and painful. How do you reach out? What can you do? I want to love them with the kind of love Jesus promises but what does that actually look like?

Teen girl killed in Quesnel crash
Written by FRANK PEEBLES
Citizen staff
Sunday, 21 December 2008

A teenaged girl was killed in a highway crash between Prince George and Quesnel.
The two-vehicle crash happened at about 1:45 p.m. Sunday on Highway 97 near the Ahbau Street Bridge, located about 20 kilometres north of Quesnel.
RCMP Sgt. Reinhold Weissbock, commander of North Cariboo Traffic Services, said the crash was between a southbound Toyota RAV4 and a northbound Honda CRV.
"(The southbound RAV4) pulled out from the slow laneonto the fast lane while attempting to pass another southbound vehicle," Weissbock said. "As the RAV4 switched lanes it lost control, causing the vehicle to go into a counterclockwise rotation. (The) northbound CRV collided with the passenger side of the RAV4.
"The 17-year-old female driver of the RAV4 was pronounced deceased at the scene," said Weissbock said. "The female passenger of the RAV4 and the male driver of the CRV suffered some major but non-life-threatening injuries."
Alcohol and speed were not believed to be factors in the wreck, police said. The investigation is underway. The road at the time was "in good winter conditions," while snowing and about minus-22.
The deceased girl's name will not be released, out of respect for her family, said police. RCMP expressed their deepest sympathies to the victims' loved ones, and also expressed thanks to the people who stopped to lend assistance at the scene until emergency crews could intervene.

Seasons

2008-12-12T14:32:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This blog contains negativite and sarcastic comments that may offend some super moms. It will not likely leave the reader feeling happy or uplifted in anyway. If you still feel like reading it, go ahead but dont say I didnt warn you.

As the seasons change to cold again, we prepare to seal up the house for the impending wind and snow, We are sealing our windows with unattractive plastic. We make sure our doors close tightly. Sometimes I wonder if we are really keeping out the cold or just locking ourselves in. Winter comes and with it comes snow suits mittens and boots. It now takes twice as long to get the kids out of the house, which means we go out half as often. Whole days go by that I never feel fresh air on my face. I hate winter. I like it for the first week when you just feel cozy and festive, but then it quickly turns to a feeling of trapped. I feel like there is the same seasons in life. I think Im in winter there too. I find that I am so frustrated with what I cant do. I run like a hamster on a wheel, everyday the same. I get up and all the things I cleaned yesterday are already dirty. It doesnt matter that I cooked Three meals the day before, I still have to do it again today. I never seem to get ahead. I see stay home moms that seem to flourish. You know the kind. The ones who make fun crafts with their kids in their lovely decorated, clean homes in their stylish clothes that they found at some amazing bargain. and in their spare time they scrapbook or make homemade jewelery.How do they do it. Is it just because they have super complacent children who never make messes or break things or climb the walls. Do they have degrees in early childhood education. Maybe I need to read more parenting magazines. I love my kids. I really do. I want to give them the best. I just pull my hair out trying to do it. (speaking of which how do they get time to get their haircut) Alright so maybe Im going a little overboard. Its just that when winter hits, so does my depression. There are things I would love to fit into my life but Im not sure how to do it in the present place we are living. I would like to take a photography class, an art class for those who always wanted to but never thought they would be good enough so they dont even know the basics, an excercise class. As far as I know none of these are available here right now. I need to find something to get me off my sorry, self pitying, buttox or its going to be a very long winter.

Chains

2008-07-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

Self made chains and safety belts
Bubble wrap and padded walls
Nothings going to hurt me

Close it out, lock it up
Hide away, cover up
Nothings going to touch me

Stay in charge
Be in control
Don't feel, Don't breathe
Don't taste what life has to give

Never step outside the box
Stifle dreams and all desires
Remember that its selfish to be free

If it feels too good it must be wrong
Self sacrifice is all there is
Marge it up
Thats how you gotta live

Cant breathe, Hearts pounding
All my walls are closing in
Why am I so afraid to live

So stifled in my little box
Find a cliff
To jump way off

Taste the world that around me waits
Stretch my arms
Rip down the gates

Detach, untangle,strip right down
Smash the glass and breathe fresh air
Do what I really wanna do

The Surrender of Freedom

2008-05-25T15:01:00.000-07:00

I have always been a very vivid dreamer. Often when I am sleeping and dreaming I am fully aware that I am dreaming. I can control my choices in my dreams and wonder what is going to happen next. I dream in great detail and more than often wake in the morning to remember the details of these dreams. I wish they were useful but most of the time they are just so odd that they are more entertaining than useful.

Recently though I was given a dream unlike anything I had experienced before. I was standing in a beautiful meadow in the mountains. There was breathtaking scenery all around me. As I stood there I realized that I was back to back with someone. We were completely attached to each other, but not tied to one another. We could have broken apart at any moment had either of us chosen to do so. Instead we stayed leaning against each other, holding each other up. Our movements were exactly synchronized. Our minds seemed to be one. Suddenly we lept. We were immediately soaring. Together we flew through clouds and then back to the ground. I had no control over my movements and yet I was perfectly relaxed. The being on my back flew gracefully over mountain ranges and then back to let our bare feet touch gently on green lush grass and then dip our toes into cool glacier lakes. We were like a leaf riding on the wind, twirling and spinning and gliding. We travelled at breakneck speed, scenery racing below us, and yet it felt as though we were simply riding on a graceful breeze. Our movements continued as one, in perfect surrender to each other. It was absolutely exhilarating. I have never felt so free. There was no fear, just an overwhelming calm. Just two partners lost in an amazing dance through natures most glorious displays. There was no struggle for who would lead, no worry that someone else was watching. All my human inhabitions disappeared in those moments as we danced together. I never wanted it to end. Then gently we landed. The two of us wordlessly parted ways. I never saw my partners face. Then as I began to walk away I realized that all along beside us were bleachers lined with spectators. All these people had been watching our intimate dance. Then I woke.

It has taken me months to pondered this dream. I knew instantly this was not one of my usual pointless brain rambling dreams. This was a gift with a meaning. As time has passed I have come to realize that my partner was definately the Holy spirit. He gave me a chance to see what it truly means to submit to his control, His life. I have always had such a control complex, trust issues if you will. I am so deathly afraid of what completely surrendering to someone really means. I have viewed it as a cage. I beleived that by giving up my free will I was saying that God could poke and prod me and bend me to whatever he felt at that particular moment in time. I wouldnt be able to fight. Surely I could take better care of myself.

Last sunday during worship we were singing " where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM" As I sang I was whisked back into that dream again. I was flying, soaring in complete submission to my partner. I was free again. I realized that all my fears of losing control are exactly what hold me back from truly being free. Ive been experiencing life with my feet firmly planted on the soil never dreaming that it was possible to fly, never realizing that true freedom comes from giving up my "rights" to control my destiny. When I submit my will to Christ he is capable of taking me to new heights and he never drops me.

The end of my dream still perplexes me but I wonder if it doesnt show how I so candidly can walk away from what was given me and quickly turn to the spectators for approval. Or maybe it shows that as we take this journey of life there are always people watching from the sidelines who learn from our choices as christians. Without speaking a word, our dance with the creator can speak volumes. Hmmmm

Love God, Love Others

2008-04-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

So here we go, 3 for 3. I apologize in advance for my disjointed thoughts

Ive been thinking about the 2 greatest commandments,
1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul
2. Love you neighbour as yourself

Ive always figured that the reason that loving God is first, is simply because He is the greatest. He is God so he deserves our love first. As I was pondering this I realized that there is another reason. It is simply this. It is impossible to love others. Only if we love God first will we be able to love those around us. Loving God looks like loving others. Let me see if I can explain this.

I have spent so much time and energy trying to love others and every time I just burn out or get burnt. Then I come home and think I should spend some time with God. By then I am too exhausted or empty to put anything into a relationship with Him. I realized that if I am to love God with ALL my heart soul and mind that means there is no part of me left to love others or myself. That must mean that by loving God with everything in me, I will love others. My focus must be on loving God.

This brings me to a new dilemma. I have never been very good at loving anyone. I dont really know how. So how then do I love God? If love is a choice and not a feeling then there must be a way to love him. Ive decided not to spend anymore effort on loving others. Instead I am going to focus my time on getting to know this God who I am to love. If I can pour out my heart into him, then maybe, just maybe, He will disperse it to those around me. Maybe if he can help me love those around me, one day He will help me love myself.

2008-04-15T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have found that I have become increasingly "dumber" the longer Ive been out of school. Its my 10 year reunion this summer so that means I have been out of school almost as long as I was in. 12 years to learn things and 10 to unlearn them. I believe that puts me back to about a grade 2 level.
I found that I have started stuttering when I talk to people. I actually seem to be losing my ability to communicate. I will try to tell someone something and I cant even form a sentence. Its there on the tip of my tongue but when I open my mouth it spills out in all the wrong order. A mass of scrambled verbs, adjectives and nouns. ( I am rather surprised that I remember those terms as Im pretty sure I didnt learn those till at least grade 3) I have decided to write a little everyday as to work on my communication skills. I suppose it would probably be more beneficial to actually talk to a fellow human being, but it is hard to press backspace or delete when you are talking.

Existence

2008-04-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

Soaking up the brief seconds of sun
Desperately clawing to hold on
Before the imminent darkness closes in
I breathe
Deep
Unsure of when the next opportunity for air will appear
The Clouds begin closing in
Suffocating,
Heavy Shadows creep into my heart
The fighting and struggling slowly gives way
To surrender

How long this time
Will it ever be the last
So I wait to exhale
Looking for the sliver of light to reappear

It comes
Slowly
From two sets of big brown eyes
A small voice singing in broken Spanish
A giggle of delight
A strong hand enveloping my weak one
The confident recognition of a familiar letter
The proud smile of accomplishment
A well captured photograph

I listen to the slow
methodical breathing beside me
It reminds me I am not alone
When the darkness parts
I will see the arms that have been holding me
I will breathe again
Maybe even fly
If only for a brief moment
I will fight one more time

Tagged

2007-11-26T13:35:00.002-08:00

so Jenivere tagged me and now Im suppose to tell 7 random or weird facts about myself.
Hmmmm where to start.
1. My elbows can at about a 25 degree angle backwards
2. I can dislocated my middle toe and put it back. I used to do it when I was losing a wrestling match to throw my opponent off. ex. my brothers or friends
3 Until about 2 and a half years ago, I was petrified to be in a room with just women. I was terrified they would talk about something girlie like cooking or make up and I wouldnt have a clue how to enter the conversation. Then I had a baby. Now I have something to talk about that only women can understand
4. If I was better at math I would be a carpenter. I love working with my hands and the smell of fresh cut wood makes me feel totally at home. I also love to be totally dirty so it looks like I actually did something
5. I hate chaos and mess yet you would never know it if you came to my house. It is always a disaster because I am a terrible housekeeper. I never put things away where they belong and I just throw things aside wherever. Then one day I snap and go nuts cleaning and organizing everything in sight. By the next day you wouldnt know that I had spent a whole day cleaning
6. I once got really mad at my friend Chris and kicked him in the shin. I got a bruise, He was fine.
7. Im afraid of technology. Ive never used an ipod and only learned a year ago how to use a cell phone. I still dont know how to text message or access the internet.

So there you have it
I tag Doug and Jessica

Shoplifting

2007-10-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

I realize that it has been many months since my last entry. Ive been trying to decide how best to break my blog silence and thought about typing some excuses. Instead Im just going to pick up with no apologies and tell of todays events which have caused me to break my silence.

Today while doing some quick shopping at the local IGA I happened to notice a woman slipping items into her large jacket. She is a woman I have seen walking past my house several times a day but have never actually spoken to besides the occasional "HI". She is obviously not well off and I would venture to say that she is below the poverty line. So here begins my dilemma. What would you do?

This is what I would like to say I did.
I quietly walked up to her, smiled kindly and told her to put her items in my cart. Then I paid for them with no one knowing and then gave them to her outside. She thanked me and then I shared Jesus with her and how he has paid for much bigger debts for all of us.

This is what I actually did.
I froze. I stood there contemplating my next move. I didnt want to condone stealing. Maybe my eyes had deceived me and she wasnt really putting things in her jacket. She confirmed it by adding another item. Then I watched as she began walking out the store.
I wish this is where the story ended but its not. I then turned to one of the managers who was standing near by, oblivious. I told him what I had seen. He quickly followed her but she slipped out the store. He turned into the office and I saw him tell a few of the other people in the office. There was suddenly 3 people with their faces pressed against the glass watching as the woman and her husband climbed into a beat up old truck and drove away.

I live in a small town. You see the same people on a regular basis. I will see this woman walk by my house many more times. She will go to the only grocery store many more times and will be recognized and watched like a hawk. I dont know why I told on her. It was one of those moments that I didnt realize what I was doing until the deed was done. I now feel very guilty. Was I wrong? Should I have just ignored it? What should I do if I see this woman again? What would you do? Id love to hear some thoughts on this.

Rough Day

2007-04-16T13:43:00.000-07:00

Ever had one of "those days"? That was saturday for my family. It started out a great day. Mike headed off to work and I was looking forward to a day in the city to spend my husbands hard earned money on maternity clothes and pants for our daughter that would actually come to her ankles. As I was getting ready to leave I had that little itchy feeling like there was something in my eye. Well I pulled the ever so common manuever of rubbing my eye. Thats when the day started getting more interesting. Whatever happened to be in my eye did not approve of being rubbed and decided to retaliate with a scratching maneuver of its own. Instant tears and crazy amounts of pain. I figured it would subside so I attempted to carry on with my getting ready to go plans. This proved more difficult than expected when trying to keep one eye closed. Its amazing how children can instantly spot a chance to get away with something. After about an hour of fighting the pain in my eye and trying to keep a busy toddler out of trouble with my eyes closed, I knew it was time to call for back up. I called my dad who then went down to the job sight to pick up Mike. The poor guy had just barely got everything set up and had to put it all away to come to my aide. After a trip to the emergency room, freezing in my eye and a super fun eye exam I was sent home with an attractive eye patch and antibiotic goop to heal the scratch on my cornea.

Not to be put off by my new pirate appearance Mike and I decided to head off to the city together. About 25 minutes from home our car suddenly stopped accelerating and then died. It literally completely died with not even enough juice to run our hazard lights. We then became truly Stahled on the side of the highway.(get it? Im so funny) We again called my father who rounded up a truck and trailier to haul us home. To make a long story short, it turned out our coolant had leaked and poured all over the engine which completely fried the whole engine. Well if thats not enough, As mike was backing the truck off the trailer some sharp object was sticking out and punctured our tire.

So to recap, I scratched my cornea, we have to replace our entire engine and then we need to fix a flat tire. Here's the funny part. The last few weeks we have been praying that God would teach us to trust in him instead of our own strength. Well now we know without a doubt that he listens to our prayers. As stressful as it is to know we have no vehicle for weeks and not much idea how we are going to pay for it all, we are excited to see what God is going to do. Its nice to know that He has something in mind for us. I will keep you posted.

On another note, the pastor of street church that I mentioned in the previous blog, just got hit with 4 more bylaw tickets for feeding the homeless and using a loud speaker for preaching. He has been threatened with more prison time and his response went something like this "go ahead and put me in prison for feeding the poor, You cannot stop Jesus"

Jesus Freaks

2007-04-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

This weekend held a few surprises for Mike and I and I want to share this with you all. Every once in awhile a group of us have been rounding up clothes and blankets and then driving to downtown Calgary to distribute them and hopefully share a little Jesus. I only tell you this to give a little background. I have to admit that each time I really dont feel like going. The thing is that in our small town the word has got out that we do this and now bags of clothes come in regularly and so we have to keep taking them in. Even the local thrift store puts aside bags for us. My parents have come home to find bag fulls on their doorstep because people dont necessarily know how to get ahold of Mike and I.

Well as the clothes have been piling up I have been putting off the trip. Every time we end up Going some amazing connections are made and God does some cool stuff, and yet every time, I dont want to go.

Well this saturday my mom called us up and said that she had had a dream that night and that the homeless were asking for us to come, right away. The next day happened to be her birthday and for it she wanted to go in with us and see what this was all about. I desperately didnt want to go, but its moms birthday and this is what she wanted.

We loaded up the car and the closer we got to the city the more I dreaded it. The weather was miserable, snowing, sleeting, windy. I didnt want to get out of the car. We got to our usual spot to set up and talked to a few of the homeless guys. They were good and didnt need anything so they told us of a spot in the park that we could maybe pass out a few things. When we got there, there was a group with tables set up giving out food and they had flags every where saying Jesus loves you. We had second thoughts about stopping but decided to try and team up with whoever this organization was. They were just cleaning up to leave so we got to talking with them and I have to say I dont think our lives will ever be the same.

These guys are know as Street Church. Every sunday they set up and feed as many people as come and they run a church service right there in the most dangerous part of the city. These men are a modern day Peter and Paul. They preach straight up Jesus and nothing else matters. They get knives and guns pulled on them regularly. Twice people have come to assassinate them and both times the assassins fell on there knees and chose Jesus. These men have watched people die in front of them. Just a few weeks ago there was a double homicide at one of their meetings.

The part that blows me away is that not only are they facing opposition from drug dealers who dont want them converting their clients, they are also facing down against police and the city officials who have taken away their permits and told them to stop preaching. The one fellow we met with Art, is facing prison time in May for preaching and holding these meetings without permits. Right here in Calgary!!! This isnt China or the middle east, this is our back yard!

These men are so filled with the Holy Spirit that they are fearless. They are casting out demons and baptizing people in the bow river. Their lives are on the line all the time and they just cant keep their mouths shut. They are living the book of ACTS. People are being healed, addictions are being broken, Jesus is moving. He is the same Jesus of the bible, He is the same in China as He is in Africa as He is in Canada. The same yesterday, today and forever.

Mike and I are so excited to be able to join our little clothing ministry with what has already been established. This sunday they are doing a huge Easter Celebration in which they will feed over 3000 people and be sharing Jesus with them all. There will be testimonies and preaching and major spiritual warfare.

God knew that we needed to be there yesterday so that we could connect with Street Church and get involved with next weekends celebration and battle. We are so excited to watch God moving and putting peices together in our lives.
Please cover us in prayer as we dont want to lose this fire. For more info please check out www.streetchurch.ca

Cinderella

2007-03-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday our local newspaper published a review about our portrayal of Rodgers and Hammerstein's " Cinderella. I've never had a review mention me specifically before so I thought I would share his wonderful comments with you all.
" Week one has had Lynnette Stahl and Kristal Murray playing Minerva (stepsister #1) and Caliope(stepsister #2) who both give a new definition to ugly...and funny."
A new definition to ugly! That means we dont even fit current ugly. They had to make up a NEW definition to fit us. Oh ya ... and then we were funny!
The paper then goes onto describe the music of the musical
"It is a musical and the blending of voices is really good. Jason and Candice or any of the other solos and duets are "right on". Even the "Stepsister's Lament" is "perfect" (Not exactly beautiful, but perfect nonetheless)"
So I have to say that this was pretty much the greatest thing anyone has ever said about me. So here are some photos and you can be the judge ( at least of the ugly part)Stepmother played by the talented Paula Spurr
bottom 3 photos by Spoke

Prosperous Alberta

2007-03-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

What is the deal with this amazing prosperous provence we live in. We are constantly being told how much money there is here and how well everyone is doing. Well all you have to do is look outside and you are bombarded with new vehicles everywhere. You try to drive down the highway and even if you are speeding, six brand new half tons will fly past you on there way to dig up our land in search of black gold. Mike is a carpenter and these guys are run off their feet trying to keep up with the demand for bigger and better houses, to store bigger and better stuff.
So here's the clincher, the cost of living is going so high that there are homeless people in Calgary that make $25 an hour. What?? Arent homeless people drunks and drug addicts that dont work(please note my sarcasm) What about all the parents who have to work crazy insane hours and never see their children so that their kids can grow up with the best toys and clothes? How about all the little companies shutting down because they cant afford to pay employees what the oil patch does so no one wants to work for them?

We have watched so many families and marriages disintigrate lately because Dad is gone for weeks on end to make the big oil money so his wife can go shopping to buy happiness. In one family we are close to, the mother told her 3 year old to run to Daddy. He ran right past and went to his uncle. What does that tell you?

Please tell me how this is a prosperous provence. As kids grow up with out family they make their own families, They call them gangs. They look for safety and support with a bunch of kids who have no idea what either of those things are. Our crime rates are just going to keep rising when there is no one around to teach kids morals, When there is no one to show them that love cant be bought at A&B Sound or a car dealership. What about suicide and drug rates when parents are meant to feel like failures because they cant afford the things that "the common Albertan" has.

Its time to rethink prosperity

New Boots

2007-03-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

Pointy stick $0
Bright pink boots $11
Watching your child's first experience of spring PRICELESS

Remember

2007-03-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

Today marks 4 years from the Bush led invasion into Iraq. Obviously nothing has been solved and more lives are lost daily. Lets take a minute to remember all the lives that have been taken on all sides. Take a minute to pray that the powers that be will make the tough decisions to put an end to all the blood shed.

Fun with Mr Potato Head

2007-03-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

Panic

2007-03-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

So this is what is called Hell week. The week before a performance when you work your butt off to get all the kinks worked out in a show. Im totally panicking. I have never felt so unprepared for a show. The way this show is working is the step mother and step sisters are split into two casts. Three of us perform the fiirst week and then the other three do the second week of performances. What that means is that we only get to rehearse 1/2 as many times as everyone else in the play. Instead of practicing the same scene a few times over so it sticks in your head we only get to try it once and then the other cast does a turn. I am the kind of person who memorizes through repetition. This time there is no repition. Usually the week before a performance I have the entire play running through my head non stop. If something sets it off I cant get it out of my head until I have recited the entire play. This time I cant even remember the lines before and after mine. I feel so incredibly unprepared. It doesnt help being 6 months pregnant. That whole pregnant brain thing is not working in my favour. Neither is the tired by 6 o'clock. I am worried that I cant hold up my end of the bargain. I signed on for this and the directors believed in me. Now I have to step it up.

For all you who already bought tickets, Thanks.... suckers. No just kidding. It will come together in the end. It always does. For those of you who are planning to buy tickets but havent yet, buy them near the end of the week so we have a few performances under our belt. Oh ya and pray for the step mother as she has totally lost her voice. ( hang in the Paula)

Spring Glorious Spring Marvelous Spring

2007-03-08T14:47:00.000-08:00

Yes there is green grass in that mix

Sweet Sunshine

2007-03-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

The sun has finally made an appearance and I havent felt this free and happy in months. I just looked at the thermometre in the shade and it reads 11celcius. Thus I will waste no more time on this computer. I am going to wake the munchkin from her slumber and walk outside until I am forced by the cool of night to return to the cave of my home. SPRING!!!!!

New Life

2007-02-28T09:30:00.000-08:00

Silent flutterings, So intimate
Hearts beating in complete trust and dependence
Our faces blank strangers
But in an instant
Recognition beyond all comprehension
Every movement a dance of anticipation
My life dedicated to the creation of yours

- Lynnette Stahl

Its Over

2007-02-25T13:15:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update to thank you all for your prayers and support. My little lady is back to terrorizing the house and I never thought I would be so grateful to see toys scattered everywhere and constantly be rescuing her from some nook or cranny she has gotten herself into. She is slowly putting the weight back on and in a few days she should be back to where she was.

Mike also finished school on friday and so we can begin to get our lives back to normal, whatever that is. That part in the bible where we are told that God will not give you anymore than you can handle proved true this week. God knew I couldnt take another day and he allowed it to end. I cant imagine what parents whose children are critically ill, must go through.

Thanks everyone for caring. All you parents out there who are going through this flu too, I am thinking of you and praying it wont last too long.

Tired

2007-02-21T20:11:00.000-08:00

So tonight I am writing out of exhaustion and frustration and the need to vent somewhere, Anywhere. Im sure any mother out there will understand what I am talking about when I say I am stretched incredibly thin right now and feeling very alone. Allow me to explain.

Today is day 4 of watching my little 17 month old vomit every scrap of food I can get her to eat, which isnt much to start with. It all started Saturday night at about 11 pm. After about 12 hours of vomitting and at least five loads of laundry, we took her to emergency because she was showing all the signs of dehydration. They watched her at the hospital for about an hour and of course she never threw up while we were there. That would have made our visit look a little more legit. I always feel like they think I am an over paranoid mother when I take her in. I feel like they look at me and think "oh young new mom". Ask most people that know me and they will tell you I am pretty layed back for a first time through. So after feeling relieved that my baby was on the mend and stupid for wasting doctors valuable time, we came home to do more laundry.

At this point I thought we were in the clear. But a few hours later the fever started. After battleing that for the rest of the night I fell into an exhausted sleep thinking it would all be over in the morning. Now remember that part at the beginning of this blog where I mentioned day four?

Each day seems like things are getting better and just when I think I have done the last load of laundry and cleaned up the last carpet mess it seems to start all over. Yesterday there was a whole other adventure thrown into the mix. The town shut off my water from 8 in the morning till 11:30 at night. Apparently no one told them I had sick toddler.

The hardest part is feeling so incredibly helpless. She is skinny to start with but now I can see her ribs and her little tummy doesnt stick out any more. When she throws up she looks at me crying and asking to be all done. Sometimes she says sorry because she thinks she is being punished. I am just so tired and helpless. Mike is going to school in the city during the day and so I am home alone with no car. He has so much studying and homework to do when he is home that he cant really help out. I know this can't last forever, its just hard when I am in the middle of it. I've never quite felt emotions like this. This whole motherhood thing is a crazy job.

Best Date Ever

2007-02-13T10:34:00.000-08:00

Well this weekend my sweet hubby blew me away with an awesome valentine's present. For all those of you who listen to CKUA, you have probably heard The Old-Disc Jockey. Its a great show that plays big band music from the era of fantastic live dance music. Swing, Jive, all the goodies. Well Mike heard on the show that there was going to be a big band dinner and dance in calgary so he got us tickets to such a great night. We arrived a little early and as we sat at our table we watched everyone arriving. It was 90% gray hairs. We watched them enter with canes and walkers and wondered if anyone would actually dance. Well when that music started we were put to shame. Walkers and canes disapeared and pace makers kicked into high gear. It was amazing to watch all these couples who had obviously been dancing together for decades. It was so inspiring to watch these couples, so obviously still in love and haveing so much fun together. The folks at our table were so sweet and tried to teach us to dance. My generation is clueless.
A highlight of our evening was meeting the Old-disc Jockey himself, John Worthington. What a funny man.

Next year we expect you all to come join us. To hear a sample of the great orchestra look up southern stardust. Sorry I dont know how to make a link.

The Good Times

2007-02-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

After my last entry I wanted to balance it out with the other side of my life. Although there are many battles, moments like these make it all worth while

Temper Tantrums

2007-02-05T15:48:00.000-08:00

So first off I would like to say that "the Terrible Two's" is an incredibly inaccurate saying. Maybe my child is just advanced but at 16 months we are fully engulfed in the "testing of boundaries" This was something I knew was coming. I have worked with enough children to know that it is a perfectly normal stage and depending on how it is handled can mold what the next several years of discipline will entail. My question is Why the crap does everyone else not seem to realize that temper tantrums are a normal part of toddler hood. Allow me to explain.

How many times have you been in a store and seen ( more like heard) a child screaming at the
top of their lungs. Correct me if I am wrong but it seems fairly frequent to me. So then why does everyone stop and stare like they are seeing some grotesque freak of nature. First off a child throws a tantrum because they want attention. Stop giving them attention and eventually they will stop. Dont stop and stare and give the parents unwanted advice. YOU ARE MAKING THINGS WORSE. Today for example was one of those days. My sweet little daughter was testing the waters. Ok, I get my battle face on and Im ready to dance. We go for a walk outside and she insists on walking rather than riding in the stroller. Fine. Well then she decides she is not going to follow where we need to go and that she should stand in the middle of streets with lots of traffic. This is where things get good. After warning her that if she doesnt walk nice then she will have to ride in the stroller, she tries to run away. I put her in the stroller and the screaming begins. So does the staring. An older man stops right beside us and says very condesendingly, " Well maybe she will come with me" I smile and then turn and ignore him. He continues to stand there until I have things under control. Ready to Jump right in.

A few minutes later we have another little challenge and when the screaming begins, a woman walks up to us and says " What seems to be the problem, Why is she so angry?" I explain even though it is none of this random strangers business. She tells me that my child has too much of a temper for her age. I again smile, and turn and walk away. Who are these people? Leave me alone to parent my child. Every child in the world pushes the limit sometimes. Dont look at me like Im a bad parent when I am teaching my child a lesson. Just help me out by completely ignoring us and carrying on with your own business.

That feels better. I just needed to get this off my chest so that I am in a better state of mind to deal with the next tantrum.

Before and After

2007-01-30T12:21:00.000-08:00

Here is a couple shots of my kitchen in the before and almost after stage. I still need to paint more black trim and add some decorations to break it up. So far though, this is what I've got.

Before

We affectionately called the colour Corpse

After
The vibrant Jewelled Peach

Kitchen Art

2007-01-30T12:07:00.000-08:00

I needed some pictures to go in my new orange kitchen and as my budget is NIL a friend told me to try making my own. Here is attempt number one. I call it FRUIT IN PASTEL. Yes the title could use a little work

Update

2007-01-25T12:46:00.000-08:00

I have lately discovered that there are actually a few people who read this blog. I was very surprised. I have also received several comments saying that they would read more often if I ever actually updated. So I feel an explanation is in order for my lack of blog presence. First off I feel that my life is rather dull so why bother boring others with it. Then I guess if you find my blog boring you just dont have to read it. Problem solved.
Secondly I have so little time to actually sit and write anything when there isnt a little person who wants to sit in my lap and add their own two bits. Today though I seem to have few minutes of peace in which I will try and update.

A few entries back I was whining about life and that there was nothing particularly fulfilling in my days. Since then I have decided to take the advice of many of you and get off my duff and do something about it. First off, I started painting. First there was my daughters room. I painted bright yellow walls, with green grass and flowers along the bottom and then added a large butterfly to the mix. I intend to add some lady bugs and other creatures in the near future. Now if the doesnt help to drop the resale value on the house I took things a step further. I (with great help from Spoke) painted my kitchen BRIGHT orange. Technically its called " Jewelled Peach" but really its just crazy orange.(photos to come) Now I am working on slowly painting all the trim black. I have to say, I love it. It feels incredibly good to go ahead and do something that I want to do even though I have been faced with skepticism from several sources. It has been so freeing. I am totally on a roll right now. I actually feel like I can make some bigger goals and actually accomplish something.

Another venture I have taken on is a return to the theatre. I decided to audition for the community production of Cinderella even though I was pretty sure there wouldnt be a part for someone with a quickly growing belly. Well surprise surprise there was actually a part written for a "stout" evil stepsister. I get to play "Minerva" a clueless, abnoxous stepsister with a bit of a weight issue. Im super excited. If you happen to be here for the second last week in March. Come check us out.

So all in all, life is a little more positive now. Thanks to all who have suported me through all this.

Expansion

2006-12-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

So I just got back from my doctor after hearing my baby's heartbeat for the first time. I dont really know how do describe the feeling. I dont think it is possible to understand until one day a doctor puts some cold weird jelly on your belly and you hear a speedy little lub dub coming from your own body. Incredible! This was a big milestone for me being at 14 weeks pregnant. Watching friends lose their pregnancy in these few fragile weeks has put some fear into me. I keep thinking that I dont deserve a healthy pregnancy any more than they deserved to lose their babies. I still look at my beautiful 15 month old daughter and wonder why God allowed me to have such an amazing child and now he is letting me go for another. I sometimes feel guilty even wanting more children. It seems like when someone gives you a present and you're like" hey thanks this is great, how bout some more". What a selfish child I am.

Married ???

2006-11-27T14:35:00.000-08:00

My baby Brother got married this weekend in Kelowna. We flew out the night before the big nuptuals which meant that I didnt get to see him until at the wedding. Next thing I know there is my little brother whom I have only seen about 4 times in the last few years up on stage officially married to a girl I have met once. I dont know if I have ever been to a wedding where I knew so few people in the wedding. The flower girl, my brother's new daughter I had met once, Never seen the pastor or any of the wedding party before. All of this is fairly normal when it isnt your family getting married. It was a fairly crazy day. I expected to be quite emotional through it all as I usually cry at weddings and I am 3 months pregnant. I should have been bawling all day. Nothing, Not a tear. It was weird. I guess I am just blogging this to help it sink in that it actually happened. Ihave a new sister-in-law and neice and my little brother is a man. Hmmmm

Whaaa???

2006-10-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

Monkeys compete in a cycle race at the 4th annual animal games in Shanghai. More than 300 animals compete in 50 events.

What would you do if you had that much free time??

my purpose

2006-09-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

So maybe I am just hormonal or something but lately I have to admit I have been having a rough go of it. I love being a wife and Mommy ( my amazing daughter turns one on sunday and is walking all over the place) but I feel like I am not really fulfilling my purpose in life. Maybe my purpose is to do laundry and make sure my family eats enough vitamins so that they can fulfill THEIR purposes but if that is really all I am meant to do shouldn't I enjoy it a little more.

A few weeks ago we had some dear friends over who prayed with us and prophesied over us. We were told that God has big things in store for us but we have a false humility that is holding us back from fulfilling that potential. I dont know what to do with that information. I wish I knew what it was that God was asking us to do. I wish I could find things to do that used my gifts. I wish I knew what my gifts were.

I need a hobby. I need something I actually enjoy doing. Sure there are things I want to do. It just seems like they all cost money. They all seem selfish too. Im going to list them anyways and if you feel led you can comment on whether or not they are selfish. Here goes
1 take voice lessons (cost)
2 learn photography (need a decent camera)
3 acting (takes time away from family)
4 paint my house (cost, is it being materialistic to spend $ decorating a perfectly good, albeit ugly house?)

I was playing soccer twice a week (see previous blog) and that was fantastic. When I was playing I wasnt a mom, or a wife. I was just me burning off all the stress of my days and laughing it up with a bunch of ladies who were doing the same thing. Well, I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago in an unfortunate spying incident, and have not been able to play anymore. My poor husband now gets all my stressful outbursts instead. Thus the reason I am blogging. Maybe if I get all this off my chest before he comes home I wont have to wreck his day. Well I must run. Its that time of day where I once again need to feed my family.

Shiner

2006-07-13T12:57:00.000-07:00

So I realize that it doesnt look all that impressive in this photo but it is my first black eye so I had to blog it. Yes, I got punched in the face. It was during a recent soccer match where I was playing with some other women. What can I say, we take things a little serious there. The competition was feirce and so I pulled out all the stops. Yup, I insulted her Daddy. Next thing I know there is fist in my face and I crumple to the ground. Thats when an all out brawl started........Ok so that isnt exactly how it happened. It was during a soccer match with some ladies but it was purely accidental. As I was fighting for a ball with another lady, she slipped and flayeled (sp??) wildly, catching me with a nice fist to the face. I have to admit, it gave me quite a rush. Im not one that goes looking for injury but when I get hurt I get this huge adrenelin rush. It was awsome.

MOVING

2006-07-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

So I have officially started the moving process. I started packing boxes and have phoned all the utility companies to get things switched over. 9 days till we officially own our very own house. Well what I should say is that we will officially be the proud owners of a stack of papers saying the we owe the bank our lives and in exchange they are letting us live in a house we can paint without asking anyone's permission. Either way, I'm stoked (yup I just said stoked).So anyways I need to go pack more boxes of materialistic crap that we have managed to accumulate over the last 2 years. You start realizing what you are really attatched to when you start sorting through all the piles found in the deepest darkest corners of your closets.

The Voice

2006-06-26T13:52:00.001-07:00

I had a big idea one day
Its happened once or twice
I dreamed of flying to the sea
A new land to explore.

We'd rent a little motorhome
Our tiny house on wheels
Breathing deep the ocean breezes
While sipping on a Keith's

And just as I could hear
The celtic music in my head
It was quickly interrupted
By that little voice again

" Let's bring it down a notch.
You're not made of money,
Gas prices are ridiculous,
Have you thought of rental costs?"

I found myself agreeing
To that voice inside my head
And once again I laid to rest
Another dream, quite dead

That's when I got to thinking
Who spoke those words so cruel?
It was a voice I'd heard before
When I was in grade school

It started out so subtle
Just a whisper in my ear
It said things like," you're not big enough,
Try again next year"

That little whisper grew much louder
Throughout the next few years
My steadiest companion
As my friends all chose careers

"You weren't cut out for such a life.
What happens if you fail?
You're really not that talented.
It's better if you bail"

And suddenly I realized
So many things I've missed
My life was slowly passing by
This made me really ...mad

There were all the trips I'd never took
The friendships I'd passed by
Had all my life been dominated
By a great big lie?

So I was left to ponder
What should I do with this
There is so much more to life
That I don't want to miss

Now slowly as the days go by
That voice begins to dim
And I can hear a pennywhistle
Faintly singing out a hymn

-Lynnette

Stalker???

2006-05-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

What would you do? Alright a little background first. Last fall my husband was skateboarding downtown when a lady walked by who seemed a little lost. She was carrying a new weed wacker and seemed somewhat distressed. She approached my hubby and asked if he would help her put it together. Well he is a sweety(not to be confused with sweaty)and said sure. He put the thing together for her and told her if she needed help with it to let him know. He doesnt recall giving her our phone number though. He never saw her again.
Jump to this week. I get a phone call.
me: hello
phone person: hi
m: hi...
P:I met your husband
m:ok....
p: He's nice
m: I think so...
P: I know you have a baby. I saw you walking and pushing the pram. You smiled at me
m: Im sorry, who is this?
awkward pause....
me: Oh, did he help you with your weed wacker
P: yes
m: soooooo.....
p: I saw you getting out of your car with your baby. You smiled at me
m: What can I do for you?
P: I cant get motivated to mow my lawn. I know your husband works during the day but he said he would help me

Anyways you are starting to get the picture. So our very awkward conversation continues for awhile. This woman seems to know a lot about us and Im a little weirded out. I take her number though and figure we will talk it over and maybe we can help her out. That would be the Christian thing to do right? I dont want her using my husband to do her yard work though just because she doesnt FEEL like doing it herself. Im a little uncomfortable that she knows so much about us but after all, its a small town. At least she doesnt know where we live, right?

20 minutes later there is knock on my door. I go to answer it and here is this tall early 30ish woman standing at the door.
woman: I bet you didnt expect to see me here
me: No
woman: you smiled at me when you were getting out of your car. Do you remember me?
me: sorry no. I like to smile at people...

Thats when she hands me a pair of large pants that she has brought for my husband. "They'll be good for yard work, or skate boarding" "They WILL fit him"
Im not allowed to refuse the pants. Suddenly I do remember this woman. In the winter when we were parking our car in front of the house I was loading up the baby and there was this woman wondering back and forth in front of our house looking a little lost or like she was looking for something. I smiled and said hello to see if she was looking for something and she just scuried off. I didnt think much of it. I came back about 1/2 an hour later and she was still walking up and down our street. Needless to say I am a little freaked out now.
The woman left then but I have a feeling it wont be the last time we'll see her. Im just glad we are moving soon. Until then we are now locking our doors and I keep checking over my shoulder. Maybe I am overreacting but she made the hair on my neck stand up.

2006-05-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

Need I say more

the never ending story

2006-05-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Hello to all you faithful Stahled readers. If you havent checked out the comments on my previous blog, please do. Kyle and Paula have started a fascinating continueing (I have no idea how to spell that word) story to make up for my lost blog. Please add your two bits as I would love to see where this will go.

aaaaaahhh@#&%#%$&$

2006-05-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

I just sat here for 45 minutes typing and then just as I was typing my last sentence....my sweet little daugter who had been playing happily in my lap, grabbed the mouse, clicked something and POOF! Gone! It was a good blog too. It was well written, it was humorous, it had suspense, I was proud of this one. Now it is gone and so I am going to go do dishes now and get back to the work I should have been doing in the first place.

rockin in the 80s

2006-04-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

The other night we had a surprise 80s party for a friends birthday so I just wanted to share a few hightlights of the evening with you all. Enjoy.

Hmmmm

2006-03-24T08:52:00.000-08:00

Can we take God's grace too far? Over the last few years I have been learning a lot about how God's grace covers all and because of this we can experience true freedom in Christ. How refreshing to know that I dont have to follow all the rules and regulations put on me by man. But can I take that too far? In 1 Corinthians 5:1-2 Paul calls the Corinthian church on an issue. "It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans: A man has his father's wife. And you are proud! Shouldn't you rather have been filled with grief and have put out of your fellowship the man who did this?"

So this is an extreme case, but what is happening is that the church was so proud of how they could do anything and be covered by God's grace! It sounds ludicrous at first but when I think about it I have to wonder if some of us (mainly myself) may be on the same track. We are a group who are proud of the fact that we can drink, gamble a little etc.(I am not taking a personal shot at anyone here,I personally enjoy a good drink now and again and I look forward to poker nights) I am not saying that there is anything wrong with these actions in and of themselves but can they become destructive? What kind of example do I set for someone who perhaps has a drinking problem? Do I let them destroy themselves and their families because I am ok with having a drink now and again? Am I proud that I dont have to live by the rules that so many other churches follow, to the point of thinking that I am better than them. I know I catch myself often on this. Am I becoming legalistic about legalism?
This is the point in my rant where I expect many of you readers to bombard me with arguments and please go ahead. I am just thinking and processing things. Im not saying that I am right, just curious.

The second thing that I have been thinking through is kind of on the same level. I know that we are suppose to let go of issues in our lives and let God handle them but at what point do we actually have to make a decision and do something? Yup I said DO SOMTHING. Let me give you an example of what I am talking about. Lets say I have an addiction to alcohol ( we always pick on the poor addicts on this one)Now I pray and ask God to take this away as I know that I can't do it on my own. Now I have a choice. I can go to AA and learn to avoid situations that I know will tempt me or I can continue on with my same life style and say "hey I prayed so if I get drunk and screw my family over its God's fault". Both of those options involve DOING SOMETHING. Maybe that is not a great example. Here's another. What if I have a bum liver and the doctor says I need a transplant. I can give it to God and just sit at home hoping that he will heal me or I can get on the transplant list and pray that God will heal me through the hands of a professional. Does that mean that I didnt just let God have it? I know that there has to be a balance between doing and letting go. Or maybe MY God is just not powerful enough.Hmmmm.
I feel that this whole "just let God have it" has become a touchy subject for many people that I am in contact with. I was recently talking to a friend who mentioned that they have become afraid to pray in public for fear that they use the wrong words when they pray and will then be condemned. This friend said that it has actually happened when they said something the wrong way and they were confronted. Well that would never happen in our church. Oh wait this friend happends to be a member of the same church as me. Tell me if this sounds familiar "Dear God please give me strength to overcome..." No wait we are suppose to say " Dear God I ask that in your strength you would overcome..." If we are admitting that we need God's help does it really matter what wording we use? Isnt that a little legalistic. I dont believe that we are to come to God with a guarded heart. When we pray we should be able to pour out our heart to our creator. He knows what we are thinking even if our words are wrong.

Anyways this has just been a little of me trying to figure out somethings. Im sorry if none of it made any sense. I am still trying to sort it out in my own mind. Thanks for letting me get this stuff out there. I welcome your comments.

why we are buying a cell phone

2006-03-10T12:10:00.000-08:00

You know how every once in awhile you have one of those things happen to you that is just a good story without even having to exagerate. Well this is one of those. First off let me lay a little background for you. 1. My husband is going to College in the city and so he is commuting everyday with another guy. 2.We do not own a cell phone 3. we drive a gutless taurus stationwagon. 4.We have a baby who of course needs to ride in an infant car seat. 5.groceries in a small town are stupidly more expensive than in the city and students get a 10% discount at Sobeys
With all that in mind I tell you this story.
Part 1
Yesterday we had the brilliant idea that instead of catching a ride home with his usual ride I would drive in to the city to pick my husband up after school and then we would go for groceries there and come home.
Sounds simple enough right?. Well because we dont have a cell phone we agreed a time and place to meet and just left it at that. Around 1:00 I noticed that it was snowing a bit so I thought I would head in early in case the roads got bad. By the time I got baby packed up and everything ready to go it was already 2:00 and the weather had turned to blowing snow and fog. I Phoned the cell phone of the guy who my husband was going to school with and asked what the weather was like there and I was told it was fine. I decided to try going anyways because I figured it was probably just happening right around our town. So away we go. Well when we hit the highway the weather was absolutely terrible. I couldnt see anything and I got stuck behind a little old man who was doing 40 km/h. It took me 40 minutes to do a drive that is usually 15 minutes. At that point I decided to head for home and give it a try again a little later in the day. As I was on my way home I was breaking and my breaks started making this terrible grinding noise and my litte green stationwagon started lurching. I made it home safely and immediately called the mechanic. He said to bring it in right away. I called my husbands commuter friend to say I wasnt coming but couldnt get through. I again loaded up the baby and took off to the mechanic. As I pulled in and hit the breaks I just kept going right on by the shop. After I drifted to stop I backed up and eased my way into the shop. Although they were super busy they pulled one of their guys to work on my car and we switched my baby seat into an extra vehicle they had there to give me a ride back home.
Part 2
After a few hours I get a call from the garage. Our conversation goes something like this.
Mechanic: (very condesendingly)um have you driven this car in icy conditions before?
Me: Yes and it hasnt done this before
Mechanic: Well we took your wheels off and there is nothing wrong.
Me: How can there be nothing wrong? It made a really awful sound and the car shuddered.(you know that sound your car makes when you drive over rumble strips just before a stop sign on the hiway. thats what it was like)
Mechanic:That is just the sound of your ABS kicking in. You havent had this car very long have you?
Me: No
Mechanic: well I will bring the car back for you.
Me: (thinking to myself)great they think Im an idiot
Part 3
I get the car back with just enough time to book it to the city and pick up my husband. I will only be about 10 minutes late. I quick reload the car seat and pack up the baby. Away I go again. The roads are clear so I figure its clear sailing from here on in.
I get less than five minutes from my town when a semi drives past me and sprays my winshield with snowy gook. I flip on my wipers only to discover that they arent working. I decide to pull over at the next farm and clean my windshield and fix my wipers. This should make me about 15 minutes late but safety first right. I signal and begin breaking a ways from the driveway I am wanting to turn into. I look in my rearview mirror to see the car behind me quickly approaching and showing no signs of slowing down to avoid me. At the last second I gun it and turn into the drive way being narrowly missed by the before mentioned car. As I rip into the snowy driveway I hit the breaks which lock(Isnt ABS that has nothing wrong with it suppose to prevent your breaks from locking?) and I go sliding into the ditch. Im stuck bad and although I tried to get myself out, my gutless stationwagon is hopeless. I step out into knee deep snow and go to the farm house. Luckily the lady of the farm is home and welcomes me and the baby in. Im now 20 minutes late. She phones her husband at the rental shop he owns (ironically placed next door to my house) and he comes out with a big truck and chains. He kindly gets me out and although I again try to phone my husband on his friends cell phone I still cannot get through. 45 miniutes late.
I again load up the baby and again hit the road. As I am driving the slush of the road and the spray from passing vehicles covers my windshield. Before long I am out of washer fluid. As I am debating on attempting to pull over again and use some baby wipes to clean the windshield, I see a lone country gas station. I pull in and ask for some washer fluid. It appears they are all out. After some looking the teenage girl working the place finds a bottle in the back. I get it filled up and again hit the road. I am now an hour late.
The last of the trip I am tense and frustrated but at least I make it with no more incidents. I pick up my husband and we get our groceries. As we are paying the clerk tells us that it is actually only a 5% discount and so we realize that with all that happened we didnt save any money at all by buying our groceries there.
We finally arrived back home at 10:00pm.
We decided its time to buy a cell phone

Prairie

2006-02-27T16:32:00.000-08:00

Lately it seems that the topic of many conversations around here have to do with the hurt and anger that the local Bible college has caused for many people. I myself grew up inside the bubble and after attending kindergarten through grade 12 and spending 3 years on staff at Prairie( a whole nother blog in itself) I have plenty of things I would love to vent about. It seems like every person who has attended there, has stories of how they were wronged. Although I am usually right in on the bitter rants I felt the need to write about some people at Prairie who were instramental in my survival there. These are people who made me believe that there was more to God and Christianity than rules and fear. Although these are not all of them I wanted to mention a few.

Mr Redifer-My science teacher for grade 7-9 was an example of patience love and forgiveness.

Don and Pam Richards-provided a home to hang out where I always felt safe and unjudged.

Pat Massey-my supervisor for three years who defended and protected me from attacks by some very judgemental bitter people.

Shelley Ekstein-my CALM teacher and school counsellor who broke the rules by letting us call her by her first name and said "shit" in class.

Jake Penner-taught me bible10. He was the first person that I ever heard pray and realized that he was actually having a conversation with God. He made me want to experience a God that was real and present and alive.

These are just afew that stand out in my mind. There may have been others but these are the ones that stuck with me. Although they lived on the meager Prairie salaries and were surrounded by legalistic religion, their lights shone and so I
thank them.

Freedom

2006-02-06T12:06:00.000-08:00

I made a new discovery last night.I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the whole freedom in Christ thing. I know that I am not bonded by rules and religious regulations. I dont have to feel guilty if I dont read my bible every day and dont pray every single time I eat something. I make stupid mistakes all the time God doesnt sit up in Heaven shaking his head saying "Lynnette your such an idiot. When will you ever learn". That part of freedom I understood.

The part I didnt see, was that I am also free to love uninhibited. I dont have to hold back in order to protect myself. Let me give an example. There has been times when I felt that I should take a meal to someone but I didnt because I said to myself "What if they dont like my cooking? What if I make the one food that they really hate or are allergic to? What if I dont make enough and they still end up hungry or I make too much and they have left overs for a week so that they are so sick of that food that it will become the new food they really hate?" I can really get myself worked up and it doesnt take me long to talk myself out of doing whatever I thought I was suppose to do. The truth is that really what I am saying is "What if I reach out and screw up? Then they might know that I dont have it all together. They might find out that I am a human being just like everyone else."

So here is where the freedom comes in. I can totally love on someone without fear because it no longer matters what other people think. I am loved by Christ and his opinion is the only one that matters. I dont have to be shy anymore. I can take a leap and talk to someone bacause it doesnt matter if I sound stupid and uneducated or even worse, uncool. I am a child of the King and that makes me untouchable. I can even wear a swimsuit, stretch marks, flab and all. God loves me just the way I am and that makes me free.

2006-01-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

In an earlier entry I was discussing my quest to release the artist in me. Well as I set out on this journey I have discovered a major road block for myself. FEAR. I cant release what is inside of me because I am afraid. Afraid that what is in me is not worth releasing, afraid that it wont be as good as someone else, afraid that if I expose myself I will be rejected. I have realized that somewhere in the last years I have become completely boring and very safe. Im so boring I dont like hanging out with myself let alone subjecting someone else to my dull personage. I have lost all spontanaety because I am practical and safe. I dont like this boring me. I decided that I need to start taking risks, just a little at time, (Im still very safety conscious remember). So right here right now I am taking a risk. I am laying bare my soul to whoever cares to read what I am writing.
A friend told me she has a secret blog that she doesnt give out to people so that she can bare her soul. I thought, hey what a brilliant idea. The problem is that people I know already read this. I could of course just start another one but after the hassle it took me to do just this one I quickly rejected the idea. And so I have decided that as a risk I will relase the inner me here for you my friends, aquaintances and total strangers.
My husband and I were spending time with some homeless people in the city. The amazing thing that we discovered was that in five minutes with these guys we knew more about their hearts and their lives than we knew about many of our friends that we have know for years. These guys didnt waste any time with small talk about how cold it was or the scores of last nights hockey games. They were real right off the bat. It was so refreshing. To them it was like they had nothing to lose because they had already lost everything. We saw an amazing sense of community among this group because they were truly able to look after each other because they knew each others needs. I so often feel alone and like no one understands me but it is really my own fault. I have mastered the art (or at least I would like to think that I have) of small talking around the real issue. I protect myself while trying to look like I have a deep relationship with others around me and then I wonder why I dont feel like I actually connect.
This past week I decided to be open with people. I tried to say what I was really thinking (while still being tactful)and see what would happen. Well I discovered that there are a lot of people going through the same things as I am. They feel lonely and misunderstood and are just thirsting for a connection somewhere. Here we are with our little castle walls to protect us when in reality they are what it doing the most damage. We were created for relationship and yet we try to push others away. Maybe I shouldnt say we, maybe its just me but somehow I dont think I am alone on this one.

Hair

2006-01-19T15:38:00.000-08:00

So I just went and got my hair cut for the first time in 4 months. (ya its a little difficult when you have a baby) I wanted something that was kind of trendy and not too mommish. I also didnt want to look like a teeny bopper. Well in three hills you have the choice of the lady who puts curlers in old ladies hair, the trendy girl who it takes over a month to get into or the average in between lady. I went for the in between. (I tried the curler lady before and it was nasty. Ive been wearing a ponytail for that last four months to try and hide it) Well this time I walked out looking like a country music singer from the 90's. Grr, is it so hard to give some one a hair cut that isnt old ladyish and isnt too teeny but not too trendy that it is far out bazaar and doesnt take an hour to do in the morning when you usually only have 5 minutes( that is if you skip your shower). Suddenly the hutterite shawl doesnt sound like such a bad idea. Well gotta go try and make myself look somewhat acceptable before my husband comes home. I hate it when he has to try and make up compliments that sound almost like he means it.

Back in the game

2006-01-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

I would just like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all who replied to my troubles. I was flooded with responses. My main problem was that being as computer illiterate as I am, I did not know what a URL was. Of all the advise given I liked Paula's the best. She replied with "call me and I will come over and help you". Now that is the kind of advice I need. Thanks Paula. For that she gets to be at the top of My Blogger Pals list (sorry Kyle) I hope to add many more of you when I get a few more minutes of free time. Thanks all.

oops

2006-01-17T12:53:00.000-08:00

So As I mentioned in my profile, I am a computer idiot. I was trying to post my photo in my profile but alas it was posted in the wrong spot. Im open to any advice That any of you experienced bloggers are interested in sharing with a beginner. Thanks.

Artists

2006-01-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

I was recently asked the question, "What is your definition of an Artist?". Well I thought about it and as a result of those thoughts I decided to blog. I think an artist is anyone who expresses what is inside them without thought or care of what anyone else thinks. Basically the way you dress, talk or even just live your life can be a form of art. Some people may use a paint brush others a typewriter but in essence it isnt about the medium you use. Its about actually just expressing yourself. Some of you out there might disagree with me for the simple fact that this means that anyone can be an artist. I guess that is my point. Anyone can be an artist if you can simply get over the feelings of insecurity and worrying about what others might be thinking. Stop comparing yourself to others and just live. I like this thought because it means I am capable of being an artist myself. What a beautiful mosaic the world would be if everyone reached inside themselves and then expressed the creativity that is in us all. Of course this could also go bad because what is inside some people is anything but beautiful. But thats another topic for another day. I for one am on a quest to learn to express myself and so free the artist in me.

Words

2006-01-10T13:12:00.000-08:00

I guess I am one of those people who just want to be cool and liked by everyone. Thus I have started my own blog becuase everyone else is doing it.. Thats right, Im a follower. If you've got a problem with that then stop reading my blog. Otherwise welcome to the confessions of a desperate housewife.
Im told that women have a need to use like a gazillion words a day and so this is my attempt to use some of those words up. Its hard to use up all those words when the only people you see all day are your husband and the guy at the post office if you are lucky enough to pick up a parcel or maybe need to buy stamps that day. Even by talking to yourself all day its hard to reach a gazillion. So there you have it.