In an earlier entry I was discussing my quest to release the artist in me. Well as I set out on this journey I have discovered a major road block for myself. FEAR. I cant release what is inside of me because I am afraid. Afraid that what is in me is not worth releasing, afraid that it wont be as good as someone else, afraid that if I expose myself I will be rejected. I have realized that somewhere in the last years I have become completely boring and very safe. Im so boring I dont like hanging out with myself let alone subjecting someone else to my dull personage. I have lost all spontanaety because I am practical and safe. I dont like this boring me. I decided that I need to start taking risks, just a little at time, (Im still very safety conscious remember). So right here right now I am taking a risk. I am laying bare my soul to whoever cares to read what I am writing.
A friend told me she has a secret blog that she doesnt give out to people so that she can bare her soul. I thought, hey what a brilliant idea. The problem is that people I know already read this. I could of course just start another one but after the hassle it took me to do just this one I quickly rejected the idea. And so I have decided that as a risk I will relase the inner me here for you my friends, aquaintances and total strangers.
My husband and I were spending time with some homeless people in the city. The amazing thing that we discovered was that in five minutes with these guys we knew more about their hearts and their lives than we knew about many of our friends that we have know for years. These guys didnt waste any time with small talk about how cold it was or the scores of last nights hockey games. They were real right off the bat. It was so refreshing. To them it was like they had nothing to lose because they had already lost everything. We saw an amazing sense of community among this group because they were truly able to look after each other because they knew each others needs. I so often feel alone and like no one understands me but it is really my own fault. I have mastered the art (or at least I would like to think that I have) of small talking around the real issue. I protect myself while trying to look like I have a deep relationship with others around me and then I wonder why I dont feel like I actually connect.
This past week I decided to be open with people. I tried to say what I was really thinking (while still being tactful)and see what would happen. Well I discovered that there are a lot of people going through the same things as I am. They feel lonely and misunderstood and are just thirsting for a connection somewhere. Here we are with our little castle walls to protect us when in reality they are what it doing the most damage. We were created for relationship and yet we try to push others away. Maybe I shouldnt say we, maybe its just me but somehow I dont think I am alone on this one.