Pain

We received the news yesterday that my cousins step daughter was killed, just 4 days before christmas. I feel so helpless and so far away. I feel guilty celebrating Christmas with my children when members of my family are in agony knowing their Christmas will be empty and painful. How do you reach out? What can you do? I want to love them with the kind of love Jesus promises but what does that actually look like?

Teen girl killed in Quesnel crash
Written by FRANK PEEBLES
Citizen staff
Sunday, 21 December 2008


A teenaged girl was killed in a highway crash between Prince George and Quesnel.
The two-vehicle crash happened at about 1:45 p.m. Sunday on Highway 97 near the Ahbau Street Bridge, located about 20 kilometres north of Quesnel.
RCMP Sgt. Reinhold Weissbock, commander of North Cariboo Traffic Services, said the crash was between a southbound Toyota RAV4 and a northbound Honda CRV.
"(The southbound RAV4) pulled out from the slow laneonto the fast lane while attempting to pass another southbound vehicle," Weissbock said. "As the RAV4 switched lanes it lost control, causing the vehicle to go into a counterclockwise rotation. (The) northbound CRV collided with the passenger side of the RAV4.
"The 17-year-old female driver of the RAV4 was pronounced deceased at the scene," said Weissbock said. "The female passenger of the RAV4 and the male driver of the CRV suffered some major but non-life-threatening injuries."
Alcohol and speed were not believed to be factors in the wreck, police said. The investigation is underway. The road at the time was "in good winter conditions," while snowing and about minus-22.
The deceased girl's name will not be released, out of respect for her family, said police. RCMP expressed their deepest sympathies to the victims' loved ones, and also expressed thanks to the people who stopped to lend assistance at the scene until emergency crews could intervene.

Seasons

Disclaimer: This blog contains negativite and sarcastic comments that may offend some super moms. It will not likely leave the reader feeling happy or uplifted in anyway. If you still feel like reading it, go ahead but dont say I didnt warn you.

As the seasons change to cold again, we prepare to seal up the house for the impending wind and snow, We are sealing our windows with unattractive plastic. We make sure our doors close tightly. Sometimes I wonder if we are really keeping out the cold or just locking ourselves in. Winter comes and with it comes snow suits mittens and boots. It now takes twice as long to get the kids out of the house, which means we go out half as often. Whole days go by that I never feel fresh air on my face. I hate winter. I like it for the first week when you just feel cozy and festive, but then it quickly turns to a feeling of trapped. I feel like there is the same seasons in life. I think Im in winter there too. I find that I am so frustrated with what I cant do. I run like a hamster on a wheel, everyday the same. I get up and all the things I cleaned yesterday are already dirty. It doesnt matter that I cooked Three meals the day before, I still have to do it again today. I never seem to get ahead. I see stay home moms that seem to flourish. You know the kind. The ones who make fun crafts with their kids in their lovely decorated, clean homes in their stylish clothes that they found at some amazing bargain. and in their spare time they scrapbook or make homemade jewelery.How do they do it. Is it just because they have super complacent children who never make messes or break things or climb the walls. Do they have degrees in early childhood education. Maybe I need to read more parenting magazines. I love my kids. I really do. I want to give them the best. I just pull my hair out trying to do it. (speaking of which how do they get time to get their haircut) Alright so maybe Im going a little overboard. Its just that when winter hits, so does my depression. There are things I would love to fit into my life but Im not sure how to do it in the present place we are living. I would like to take a photography class, an art class for those who always wanted to but never thought they would be good enough so they dont even know the basics, an excercise class. As far as I know none of these are available here right now. I need to find something to get me off my sorry, self pitying, buttox or its going to be a very long winter.

Chains

Self made chains and safety belts
Bubble wrap and padded walls
Nothings going to hurt me

Close it out, lock it up
Hide away, cover up
Nothings going to touch me

Stay in charge
Be in control
Don't feel, Don't breathe
Don't taste what life has to give

Never step outside the box
Stifle dreams and all desires
Remember that its selfish to be free

If it feels too good it must be wrong
Self sacrifice is all there is
Marge it up
Thats how you gotta live

Cant breathe, Hearts pounding
All my walls are closing in
Why am I so afraid to live

So stifled in my little box
Find a cliff
To jump way off

Taste the world that around me waits
Stretch my arms
Rip down the gates

Detach, untangle,strip right down
Smash the glass and breathe fresh air
Do what I really wanna do

The Surrender of Freedom

I have always been a very vivid dreamer. Often when I am sleeping and dreaming I am fully aware that I am dreaming. I can control my choices in my dreams and wonder what is going to happen next. I dream in great detail and more than often wake in the morning to remember the details of these dreams. I wish they were useful but most of the time they are just so odd that they are more entertaining than useful.

Recently though I was given a dream unlike anything I had experienced before. I was standing in a beautiful meadow in the mountains. There was breathtaking scenery all around me. As I stood there I realized that I was back to back with someone. We were completely attached to each other, but not tied to one another. We could have broken apart at any moment had either of us chosen to do so. Instead we stayed leaning against each other, holding each other up. Our movements were exactly synchronized. Our minds seemed to be one. Suddenly we lept. We were immediately soaring. Together we flew through clouds and then back to the ground. I had no control over my movements and yet I was perfectly relaxed. The being on my back flew gracefully over mountain ranges and then back to let our bare feet touch gently on green lush grass and then dip our toes into cool glacier lakes. We were like a leaf riding on the wind, twirling and spinning and gliding. We travelled at breakneck speed, scenery racing below us, and yet it felt as though we were simply riding on a graceful breeze. Our movements continued as one, in perfect surrender to each other. It was absolutely exhilarating. I have never felt so free. There was no fear, just an overwhelming calm. Just two partners lost in an amazing dance through natures most glorious displays. There was no struggle for who would lead, no worry that someone else was watching. All my human inhabitions disappeared in those moments as we danced together. I never wanted it to end. Then gently we landed. The two of us wordlessly parted ways. I never saw my partners face. Then as I began to walk away I realized that all along beside us were bleachers lined with spectators. All these people had been watching our intimate dance. Then I woke.

It has taken me months to pondered this dream. I knew instantly this was not one of my usual pointless brain rambling dreams. This was a gift with a meaning. As time has passed I have come to realize that my partner was definately the Holy spirit. He gave me a chance to see what it truly means to submit to his control, His life. I have always had such a control complex, trust issues if you will. I am so deathly afraid of what completely surrendering to someone really means. I have viewed it as a cage. I beleived that by giving up my free will I was saying that God could poke and prod me and bend me to whatever he felt at that particular moment in time. I wouldnt be able to fight. Surely I could take better care of myself.

Last sunday during worship we were singing " where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM" As I sang I was whisked back into that dream again. I was flying, soaring in complete submission to my partner. I was free again. I realized that all my fears of losing control are exactly what hold me back from truly being free. Ive been experiencing life with my feet firmly planted on the soil never dreaming that it was possible to fly, never realizing that true freedom comes from giving up my "rights" to control my destiny. When I submit my will to Christ he is capable of taking me to new heights and he never drops me.

The end of my dream still perplexes me but I wonder if it doesnt show how I so candidly can walk away from what was given me and quickly turn to the spectators for approval. Or maybe it shows that as we take this journey of life there are always people watching from the sidelines who learn from our choices as christians. Without speaking a word, our dance with the creator can speak volumes. Hmmmm

Love God, Love Others

So here we go, 3 for 3. I apologize in advance for my disjointed thoughts

Ive been thinking about the 2 greatest commandments,
1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul
2. Love you neighbour as yourself

Ive always figured that the reason that loving God is first, is simply because He is the greatest. He is God so he deserves our love first. As I was pondering this I realized that there is another reason. It is simply this. It is impossible to love others. Only if we love God first will we be able to love those around us. Loving God looks like loving others. Let me see if I can explain this.

I have spent so much time and energy trying to love others and every time I just burn out or get burnt. Then I come home and think I should spend some time with God. By then I am too exhausted or empty to put anything into a relationship with Him. I realized that if I am to love God with ALL my heart soul and mind that means there is no part of me left to love others or myself. That must mean that by loving God with everything in me, I will love others. My focus must be on loving God.

This brings me to a new dilemma. I have never been very good at loving anyone. I dont really know how. So how then do I love God? If love is a choice and not a feeling then there must be a way to love him. Ive decided not to spend anymore effort on loving others. Instead I am going to focus my time on getting to know this God who I am to love. If I can pour out my heart into him, then maybe, just maybe, He will disperse it to those around me. Maybe if he can help me love those around me, one day He will help me love myself.

I have found that I have become increasingly "dumber" the longer Ive been out of school. Its my 10 year reunion this summer so that means I have been out of school almost as long as I was in. 12 years to learn things and 10 to unlearn them. I believe that puts me back to about a grade 2 level.
I found that I have started stuttering when I talk to people. I actually seem to be losing my ability to communicate. I will try to tell someone something and I cant even form a sentence. Its there on the tip of my tongue but when I open my mouth it spills out in all the wrong order. A mass of scrambled verbs, adjectives and nouns. ( I am rather surprised that I remember those terms as Im pretty sure I didnt learn those till at least grade 3) I have decided to write a little everyday as to work on my communication skills. I suppose it would probably be more beneficial to actually talk to a fellow human being, but it is hard to press backspace or delete when you are talking.

Existence

Soaking up the brief seconds of sun
Desperately clawing to hold on
Before the imminent darkness closes in
I breathe
Deep
Unsure of when the next opportunity for air will appear
The Clouds begin closing in
Suffocating,
Heavy Shadows creep into my heart
The fighting and struggling slowly gives way
To surrender

How long this time
Will it ever be the last
So I wait to exhale
Looking for the sliver of light to reappear

It comes
Slowly
From two sets of big brown eyes
A small voice singing in broken Spanish
A giggle of delight
A strong hand enveloping my weak one
The confident recognition of a familiar letter
The proud smile of accomplishment
A well captured photograph

I listen to the slow
methodical breathing beside me
It reminds me I am not alone
When the darkness parts
I will see the arms that have been holding me
I will breathe again
Maybe even fly
If only for a brief moment
I will fight one more time