In an earlier entry I was discussing my quest to release the artist in me. Well as I set out on this journey I have discovered a major road block for myself. FEAR. I cant release what is inside of me because I am afraid. Afraid that what is in me is not worth releasing, afraid that it wont be as good as someone else, afraid that if I expose myself I will be rejected. I have realized that somewhere in the last years I have become completely boring and very safe. Im so boring I dont like hanging out with myself let alone subjecting someone else to my dull personage. I have lost all spontanaety because I am practical and safe. I dont like this boring me. I decided that I need to start taking risks, just a little at time, (Im still very safety conscious remember). So right here right now I am taking a risk. I am laying bare my soul to whoever cares to read what I am writing.
A friend told me she has a secret blog that she doesnt give out to people so that she can bare her soul. I thought, hey what a brilliant idea. The problem is that people I know already read this. I could of course just start another one but after the hassle it took me to do just this one I quickly rejected the idea. And so I have decided that as a risk I will relase the inner me here for you my friends, aquaintances and total strangers.
My husband and I were spending time with some homeless people in the city. The amazing thing that we discovered was that in five minutes with these guys we knew more about their hearts and their lives than we knew about many of our friends that we have know for years. These guys didnt waste any time with small talk about how cold it was or the scores of last nights hockey games. They were real right off the bat. It was so refreshing. To them it was like they had nothing to lose because they had already lost everything. We saw an amazing sense of community among this group because they were truly able to look after each other because they knew each others needs. I so often feel alone and like no one understands me but it is really my own fault. I have mastered the art (or at least I would like to think that I have) of small talking around the real issue. I protect myself while trying to look like I have a deep relationship with others around me and then I wonder why I dont feel like I actually connect.
This past week I decided to be open with people. I tried to say what I was really thinking (while still being tactful)and see what would happen. Well I discovered that there are a lot of people going through the same things as I am. They feel lonely and misunderstood and are just thirsting for a connection somewhere. Here we are with our little castle walls to protect us when in reality they are what it doing the most damage. We were created for relationship and yet we try to push others away. Maybe I shouldnt say we, maybe its just me but somehow I dont think I am alone on this one.

Hair

So I just went and got my hair cut for the first time in 4 months. (ya its a little difficult when you have a baby) I wanted something that was kind of trendy and not too mommish. I also didnt want to look like a teeny bopper. Well in three hills you have the choice of the lady who puts curlers in old ladies hair, the trendy girl who it takes over a month to get into or the average in between lady. I went for the in between. (I tried the curler lady before and it was nasty. Ive been wearing a ponytail for that last four months to try and hide it) Well this time I walked out looking like a country music singer from the 90's. Grr, is it so hard to give some one a hair cut that isnt old ladyish and isnt too teeny but not too trendy that it is far out bazaar and doesnt take an hour to do in the morning when you usually only have 5 minutes( that is if you skip your shower). Suddenly the hutterite shawl doesnt sound like such a bad idea. Well gotta go try and make myself look somewhat acceptable before my husband comes home. I hate it when he has to try and make up compliments that sound almost like he means it.

Back in the game

I would just like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all who replied to my troubles. I was flooded with responses. My main problem was that being as computer illiterate as I am, I did not know what a URL was. Of all the advise given I liked Paula's the best. She replied with "call me and I will come over and help you". Now that is the kind of advice I need. Thanks Paula. For that she gets to be at the top of My Blogger Pals list (sorry Kyle) I hope to add many more of you when I get a few more minutes of free time. Thanks all.

oops

So As I mentioned in my profile, I am a computer idiot. I was trying to post my photo in my profile but alas it was posted in the wrong spot. Im open to any advice That any of you experienced bloggers are interested in sharing with a beginner. Thanks.

Artists

I was recently asked the question, "What is your definition of an Artist?". Well I thought about it and as a result of those thoughts I decided to blog. I think an artist is anyone who expresses what is inside them without thought or care of what anyone else thinks. Basically the way you dress, talk or even just live your life can be a form of art. Some people may use a paint brush others a typewriter but in essence it isnt about the medium you use. Its about actually just expressing yourself. Some of you out there might disagree with me for the simple fact that this means that anyone can be an artist. I guess that is my point. Anyone can be an artist if you can simply get over the feelings of insecurity and worrying about what others might be thinking. Stop comparing yourself to others and just live. I like this thought because it means I am capable of being an artist myself. What a beautiful mosaic the world would be if everyone reached inside themselves and then expressed the creativity that is in us all. Of course this could also go bad because what is inside some people is anything but beautiful. But thats another topic for another day. I for one am on a quest to learn to express myself and so free the artist in me.

Words

I guess I am one of those people who just want to be cool and liked by everyone. Thus I have started my own blog becuase everyone else is doing it.. Thats right, Im a follower. If you've got a problem with that then stop reading my blog. Otherwise welcome to the confessions of a desperate housewife.
Im told that women have a need to use like a gazillion words a day and so this is my attempt to use some of those words up. Its hard to use up all those words when the only people you see all day are your husband and the guy at the post office if you are lucky enough to pick up a parcel or maybe need to buy stamps that day. Even by talking to yourself all day its hard to reach a gazillion. So there you have it.