Love God, Love Others

So here we go, 3 for 3. I apologize in advance for my disjointed thoughts

Ive been thinking about the 2 greatest commandments,
1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul
2. Love you neighbour as yourself

Ive always figured that the reason that loving God is first, is simply because He is the greatest. He is God so he deserves our love first. As I was pondering this I realized that there is another reason. It is simply this. It is impossible to love others. Only if we love God first will we be able to love those around us. Loving God looks like loving others. Let me see if I can explain this.

I have spent so much time and energy trying to love others and every time I just burn out or get burnt. Then I come home and think I should spend some time with God. By then I am too exhausted or empty to put anything into a relationship with Him. I realized that if I am to love God with ALL my heart soul and mind that means there is no part of me left to love others or myself. That must mean that by loving God with everything in me, I will love others. My focus must be on loving God.

This brings me to a new dilemma. I have never been very good at loving anyone. I dont really know how. So how then do I love God? If love is a choice and not a feeling then there must be a way to love him. Ive decided not to spend anymore effort on loving others. Instead I am going to focus my time on getting to know this God who I am to love. If I can pour out my heart into him, then maybe, just maybe, He will disperse it to those around me. Maybe if he can help me love those around me, one day He will help me love myself.

I have found that I have become increasingly "dumber" the longer Ive been out of school. Its my 10 year reunion this summer so that means I have been out of school almost as long as I was in. 12 years to learn things and 10 to unlearn them. I believe that puts me back to about a grade 2 level.
I found that I have started stuttering when I talk to people. I actually seem to be losing my ability to communicate. I will try to tell someone something and I cant even form a sentence. Its there on the tip of my tongue but when I open my mouth it spills out in all the wrong order. A mass of scrambled verbs, adjectives and nouns. ( I am rather surprised that I remember those terms as Im pretty sure I didnt learn those till at least grade 3) I have decided to write a little everyday as to work on my communication skills. I suppose it would probably be more beneficial to actually talk to a fellow human being, but it is hard to press backspace or delete when you are talking.

Existence

Soaking up the brief seconds of sun
Desperately clawing to hold on
Before the imminent darkness closes in
I breathe
Deep
Unsure of when the next opportunity for air will appear
The Clouds begin closing in
Suffocating,
Heavy Shadows creep into my heart
The fighting and struggling slowly gives way
To surrender

How long this time
Will it ever be the last
So I wait to exhale
Looking for the sliver of light to reappear

It comes
Slowly
From two sets of big brown eyes
A small voice singing in broken Spanish
A giggle of delight
A strong hand enveloping my weak one
The confident recognition of a familiar letter
The proud smile of accomplishment
A well captured photograph

I listen to the slow
methodical breathing beside me
It reminds me I am not alone
When the darkness parts
I will see the arms that have been holding me
I will breathe again
Maybe even fly
If only for a brief moment
I will fight one more time